Two Good Questions Combined Into One

Who do I want to be?How do I want to live? How do I want to live, so that I can be who I want to be?

Over the past two years I have had the opportunity to participate with a group of other folks from various places and walks of life in quarterly retreats as part of a Transforming Community, led by Ruth Haley Barton and the Transforming Center. It has been a tremendously valuable experience for me, and this is part of the reason why:

It is a sad irony when, for any of a variety of reasons, people lose a sense of closeness to Christ because of their heavy involvement in doing things for Christ. Certainly these two do not have to be at odds with each other, but... it happens way too often. I was experiencing that a couple of years ago when I met Ruth and she encouraged me to be a part of the Transforming Community with her and a group of others. For me, there were many benefits to being part of this experience, but I think the greatest one was that it gave me permission to live my life in the way that I deeply wanted to live it, but at the time felt like I couldn't afford to.

Participating in the Transforming Community involved making a commitment to regular rhythms of things such as time in solitude and silence, engaging spiritual friends and others in relationships that help us grow, reading the scriptures in a way that allows us to be shaped and changed by their message, and others. These were all things that I had experienced at some point, but for which I had long felt a constant (although dull and shoved under the surface) longing to make major components of my lifestyle.

Among the tricks we often play on ourselves is the idea which the Transforming Community helped to dispel in me that it is someone/something else's fault that I am not living my life in the way that I truly desire to live it. Perhaps we lay the blame on our jobs, or relatives, our boss, or just some particular circumstance of our lives. But reality is that our lives are our lives, and one of the most important parts of making them spiritual lives is taking the responsibility to arrange them in ways that allow the kind of life we want to live to become a reality.

Since busyness has come to be so closely associated with responsibility and importance in our culture, the most common reason that we feel we are not living like we want is because of our sense that we have too much to do. While it is true that many of us have done away with any margin in our lives and are living beyond our limits, we do not have to buy into the lie that this is inevitable. As Dallas Willard says, "God never gives anyone too much to do. We do that to ourselves or allow others to do it to us" (from his article, "Personal Soul Care").

So who do you want to be? How do you want to live? How do you want to live so that you can be who you want to be?

I'm looking forward to the next few months of experimenting with seeking to further my own answers to these questions, as my church has given me an unbelievably generous offer of a three month Sabbatical leave in order to deal with recent circumstances of life and ministry. Obviously most of life is not lived as a Sabbatical, but I am hoping during this time to discover more of the life that I want so badly, to do as the header of this blog says, to take hold of that "SalvationLife," the life that really is life.

Completely Unhelpful Things to Say to Someone in Grief, Part 3

[This is part of a series of posts on completely unhelpful things to say to someone in grief. See the others here.] Nothing.

Even though my default option of what to say to someone in grief has always been this one, of saying nothing at all to them, I've come to believe that it's just as unhelpful as the things in the previous two posts (see Part 1 and Part 2).

Saying nothing is certainly understandable, because we're so afraid of saying the wrong thing. We understand that when someone is in grief, no one- including themselves- knows exactly what might open the floodgates of emotion that they're likely fighting to hold back. (Is it just coincidence that no one has said anything to me about Spam sandwiches since I recently posted this? Okay, it probably is. I can't really think of a time when anyone has ever said anything to me about Spam sandwiches.)

My reasoning when I have chosen to say nothing to someone in grief usually goes like this:

• As mentioned above, I don't want to unknowingly say the thing that might open the floodgates for them, so it's a safer option to say nothing.
• Plus, they very likely want their space right now in their time of grief and for me to say anything might be an intrusion into their privacy.
• And I really don't know what to say anyway. "I'm sorry" doesn't make any sense, because I don't have anything to do with the reason for their grief. "I know how you feel" probably wouldn't be good, because although I may have gone through something similar, I really don't know how this feels to them. Etc., etc. Any of the list of options among the things people usually say easily fall short of any good analysis.

So, we often choose not to say anything.

Now I'm learning from the perspective of the one doing the grieving what a poor choice I've made when others around me have gone through hard times and I've chosen to play it safe and say nothing. Saying nothing isn't just unhelpful, but depending on your relationship to the person, it can actually be painful for them.

Let's say that our friend and coworker, Joe, is in grief over the recent loss of a loved one, and for all of the reasons above, I think it's best to say nothing to him. The problem is that from Joe's perspective, his grief currently feels like the entirety of his world. Even though he's likely doing all that he can to resume some degree of being able to outwardly function in the world, inwardly he rarely passes an hour without being more focused on his sense of loss than whatever it is that he's supposed to be doing at the moment. For him, it is as C.S. Lewis wrote after his wife's death, "Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything."

And this applies to Joe's relationships as well. As he walks around the office in his first days "back" after his loss, he is keenly aware that everyone who sees him thinks, "Oh, there's Joe..." and awkwardness ensues. If my choice of handling that awkwardness is to say nothing about his grief, that likely comes across to Joe as being equal to my saying, "Joe, I don't know how to handle this, so for the sake of any kind of relationship we have, we need for things to get back to normal as soon as possible." Perhaps instead of saying that, I say an innocent, "Hey Joe. Good to have you back." But Joe knows that he is anything but "back," nor does he want to be.

The last thing Joe knows how to do in his grief is get things back to normal. Normal simply doesn't exist for him anymore. His world as he knew it before the loss is largely gone, and he is only at the starting line of the immense task of constructing a new world that he would prefer to never have entered.

So, please, in some way, say something. Joe knows words don't exist for you to say "just the right thing." And you don't even have to use your voice to say something. My pastor repeatedly sent me one-word emails or texts that said, "Prayers." That was enough. Or say, "This stinks," or any other words that are honest and don't try to fix the situation. Even words aren't necessary... my Dad's way of saying something without saying anything was often just to give a pat on my back.

So the next time you see a Joe for the first time after his loss, choose an option other than saying nothing.

*The downside of writing this is that I realize how many awkward next encounters I've just created with friends who will read this. Seriously, have no worries. Perhaps we can come up with a secret signal that will give you something to say that's inconspicuous to anyone else around, but lets me know you're aware... How about, "Hey, Daniel, would you like to eat this cheeseburger I just bought for you at Whataburger?" I guarantee you that will go well, as long as it's accompanied by an actual cheeseburger.

The Best Advice I've Ever Been Given (and how different it is from the stuff we normally hear)

When I was a senior in college, getting ready to graduate and realizing I had to make a decision about finding something to do that would give me an income, I was a bit intimidated by the choices in front of me. Thankfully I spent a lot of time that year with one of my heroes, Stu. In the midst of trying to sort through the decisions about my future, Stu gave me the best advice anyone has ever given me: "Make sure you're in God's will today, and you won't miss being in it tomorrow." It's simple and powerful, because none of us knows what our lives will be like five years from now, but I'd be willing to bet that everyone reading this has a pretty good idea of how they could shape today in a way that gives glory to God in the midst of their everyday life. When I have stuck to Stu's advice, my experience has been that I progressively am becoming more the kind of person that I want to be while also coming closer and closer to the kinds of work that are most fulfilling to me and through which I can make the greatest contributions to my family and the work of God's kingdom in our world.

But there is quite a contrast between Stu's advice and advice I've often been given in the first decade of being in ministry.

This other kind of advice is always well-intended and has probably served the person giving it to me at some point in their lives. Let me be clear that I don't think this advice/set of questions is bad in any way, but I'm just trying to point out a difference. It usually comes out something like this:

• What are your goals for your career?
• Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?
• What is your ideal job?

All good questions. Nothing inherently wrong with any of them. The problem is what they raise in me: a desire to set my future for myself, focusing on pursuit of some idea that may not have been well-discerned, to the neglect of the way I need to shape my life today in order to become the kind of person I want to be when I come to my deathbed.

When I have followed the line of advice behind these questions, I have been led down paths that have largely ended up unfulfilling. I have pursued, received, then backed out of professional credentials. I have gotten myself over-committed to processes because of the benefit I thought they would bring me regarding those questions in the future, to the neglect of what is was doing to my life today.

I don't mean this to say that planning for the future is bad in any way. That's often a part of what's included in following Stu's advice and making sure we're in God's will today. But the question is one of focus and trust, as Jesus talked about in Matthew 6:25-34.

So, what is a way that you can make sure that your day today is shaped as God wants it to be?

Hooray for Baptism!

>Christians around the world who follow the calendar of the Christian Year have celebrated today as the Baptism of the Lord. On this day, we remember Jesus' baptism by John the Baptist, and in doing so, today millions of Christians around the planet have reaffirmed their baptismal covenants. Thankfully, our church was one where this was celebrated this morning, and I was moved to watch hundreds of adults come forward to reaffirm their faith in Christ, renew their commitments to walk and grow in Christ's ways, and to celebrate God's faithfulness to them by remembering their own baptism with gratitude.

Since we are part of one of the many Christian traditions that practice infant baptism, our son was baptized when he was six months old. Because he was so young, we want to be intentional about helping him to develop a sense of remembrance about that day as he grows older. We were delighted that our church recorded his baptism on video, so that we will have a copy to show him as he grows, and I also wrote him the following letter that I try to re-read on days like today.

Regardless of whether or not your tradition baptizes infants, I hope that reading this will help you to remember your baptism and be thankful.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Ethan,

Today is a very important day for you: the day of your baptism. Since you aren’t old enough to remember it or understand its significance, I wanted to write you this letter today to help you have a way to remember your baptism when you are older.

Today, you were welcomed into Jesus’ church, and the water used for your baptism marked you as having entered into God’s covenant people. There will be days as you grow that you are unfaithful to God, but for your entire life you will be able to look back upon today and know that God has been faithful to you.

Your Mom and I were there with you this morning, as were Pop & Nana Kate and PawPaw and Nana, and Kathryn Tyra, who with her husband, Chester, have been like grandparents to me throughout my life. When I was born, we went to church at St. Mark’s United Methodist Church in Midland, which is where Pop & Nana Kate got to know Chester & Kathryn. They were probably there at my baptism when I was a baby, and so it was important to me to invite them to be a part of your baptism too.

I want to help you know what happened today, and a big part was vows that your Mom and I made, along with our whole church, to teach you Jesus’ ways. So that you will always know our commitment to the Lord and to you, this is the liturgy that was part of your baptism:

As we all stood in front of the church together, our Pastor, Dr. Tim Walker, said:
“Baptism is an outward and visible sign
of the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ,
through which grace
we became partakers of his righteousness
and heirs of life eternal.
Those receiving the Sacrament
are thereby marked as Christian disciples,
and initiated into the fellowship of Christ’s holy Church...”

It is a wonderful thing that you are now officially part of Jesus’ church. You are a part of the most wonderful, most influential, most giving, and yet most persecuted group of people in the last 2,000 years. It is through us that Almighty God has chosen to carry on his loving work of redemption for the whole world. I pray that you will always love the church, even though there will be times that it will disappoint you and possibly even cause you pain, Jesus intensely loves this church of which you are now a part and is always working to purify her.

As you have been initiated into Jesus’ church, you have also become a “partaker of God’s righteousness and heir of life eternal.” God, in his grace, is working long before you know anything about it to bring you into a close friendship with him and he has provided everything that you need to know and serve him, to become like Jesus and be a man with his character, leading an abundantly-lived life for as long as you live. It will be your decision when you are older whether or not you want to cooperate with God in this. He has left you free to reject him, but as part of our family and as part of Jesus’ church, you are in the midst of a family and community of God’s grace, which I pray will take a deep hold of your heart.

This is the centuries-old covenant that your Mom and I made before the entire church, because we love you so deeply and are so grateful that God has entrusted you to us as a wonderful gift:
We accept as our bounden duty and privilege to live before you, Ethan,
a life that becomes the gospel;
to exercise all godly care
that you may be brought up in the Christian faith,
that you may be taught the Holy Scriptures,
and that you learn to give reverent attendance
upon the private and public worship of God.

We will endeavor to keep you
under the ministry and guidance of the Church
until you by the power of God
shall accept for yourself the gift of salvation,
and be confirmed
as a full and responsible member of Christ’s holy Church.

Then, Dr. Walker said your full name and baptized you, David Ethan Harris, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

It was a wonderful day for us. I will always be thankful for you, proud of you, and love you more than you may ever know. I will not be a perfect father to you, but I will always try to show you the kind of unconditional, sacrificial love that I have experienced from my Dad and from God. It does not matter what your future holds; you are my son, and my love for you will never end.

That is what today is about, because you have also entered into this kind of covenant with God. As much as I love you, God loves you much more. As much as I will always try to be faithful to you and provide for your good, God will do so much more. I am a sinful man, yet I love you so deeply that I cannot put it into words, and that love will never end. How much more, then, does God, our Father, love you! You entered into a covenant with God today; you did not choose it, but God has chosen you. Through your entire life, God will always be faithful to you, just as he has always been faithful to me.

May you always look back on today, and know that you are loved.

Love,
Dad

New Year's Resolution 2011: Quit Sinning

Whether you set any or not, I'm sure that "resolution" is a word we hear more in the week before and after January 1 than in the rest of the year combined. I have no idea why there’s a page on the U.S. Government's official website about New Year’s Resolutions, but here it is. These are the ones it lists: Drink Less Alcohol, Get a Better Education, Get a Better Job, Get Fit, Lose Weight, Manage Debt, Manage Stress, Quit Smoking Now, Reduce Reuse and Recycle, Save Money, Take a Trip, Volunteer to Help Others... pretty much the normal list. If those are the resolutions that everyone sets, I thought I would do something different. So, after much deliberation, I am about to share with you my list of New Year’s Resolutions for 2011. Actually it isn’t a list. (The dictionary said I had to have more than one for it to be a list.) So, instead of my list of New Year’s Resolutions for 2011, here is my bullet point of New Year’s Resolution for 2011:

• Quit Sinning.

Just incase you didn’t get all of that. I’ll give you my bullet point again:

• Quit sinning.

Some of you may think I’m being silly, and I'll grant that this may take me more than a year, but it is my hope and my plan that anyone who knows me well enough to know the difference will be able to say when this year ends that I have made significant progress toward completely getting rid of sin in my life.

If I can convince you that I mean this, I am sure that many of you, especially those of you who know me well, are thinking, “...Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.” Or maybe your reaction is even a little more aggressive, like, “Who does he think he is?” Or perhaps aren’t convinced that I’m not joking or playing some kind of word game. But I mean it. I intend to quit sinning, and nothing else is coming in the remainder of this blog post to let me off of the hook on this one.

And I’m not just talking about the big, obvious sins that come to our minds, but I’m talking about completely giving it up: everything that in any way reflects anything less that complete, whole-hearted love for God and love for other people, I intend to stop.

I can’t take credit for coming up with my bullet point of New Year's Resolution all by myself. I had some very good help. In fact, I pretty much stole it (which may have been a step in the wrong direction if I’m talking about giving up sin, since stealing is high on the list of obvious ones). But Dallas Willard talks about this, and it’s so good that I'll quote a few paragraphs directly. He says:

If one day I assure my Christian friends that I intend to “quit sinning” and arrive at a stage where I can perfectly follow Jesus Christ, they will most likely be scandalized and threatened- or at least very puzzled. “Who do you think you are?” they would probably say. Or they might think, “What is he really up to?”

But if, on the other hand, I state that I do not intend to stop sinning or that I do not plan ever to follow my Lord in actuality, they will be equally upset. And for good reason. How can Jesus be my Lord if I don’t even plan to obey him? Would that really differ in substance and outcome from not having him as Lord at all? My Christian fellowship circle will allow me not to follow him and even not to plan to follow him, but they will not permit me to say it.

Yet, I must do one or the other. Either I must intend to stop sinning or not intend to stop. There is no third possibility. I must plan to follow Jesus fully or not plan to follow him. But how can I honestly do either? And does not planning to follow him really differ, before God and humanity, from planning not to follow him? (From The Spirit of the Disciplines, pp. 12-13)

Now, brothers and sisters, it’s not just me on the hook for this. We’re all on the hook for this. Most of us have likely never considered the possibility of just quitting sin, because if we realize it is part of our lives at all, we know how deeply ingrained in us it is. Yet that does not change his point: that we cannot become free of its domination without a grace-dependent plan for doing so.

There are plenty of good things to look at incorporating into our plans, but one that I've enjoyed focusing on during the past week has been the old Methodist practice of renewing our covenant with God at the beginning of a new year. If you're interested in using a modern version of part of the service for your own commitment, click here.

Completely Unhelpful Things to Say to Someone in Grief, Part 2

[This is part of a series of posts on completely unhelpful things to say to someone in grief. See the others here.] Two other options for titles for this post were:

• Completely Unhelpful Gifts to Give to Someone in Grief
• Plaques You Shouldn't See at the Christian Bookstore

Although, apparently, there are plenty of people who will disagree with me on this, as evidenced by the fact that my wife pointed it out to me in an actual Christmas gift catalog. I guess there is (and always will be) a market for bad theology, particularly when it comes to trying to console people. If there's a market for this, maybe I should try to do something with my scripture plaques.

Ug. As my wife said, "It makes me want to be sure I'm not the best."

The Love of God and Yogurt

Recently my wife was eating some super-healthy kind of yogurt, and I got a laugh out of the description on the container: Incase that's hard to read in the photo, it says, "Agapé" means "love" in Greek. When you discover how indulgently creamy and delicious this healthy, 0% fat yogurt is, you're going to discover pure, divine agapé. Prepare to be stirred...

This, friends, is how words lose their meaning. Simple observation will tell us that eating yogurt is in fact not a reliable way to "discover pure, divine agape," nor any other kind of love. Dallas Willard has a great definition of love: "to will the good of another." As he points out, as much as I may say that I love chocolate cake, it isn't true. I don't love chocolate cake, because I want to eat it.

The scriptures speak of agape as the highest kind of love, perfect love, the love of a perfect God toward his children, as expressed most fully in Jesus. This is something significantly better than the experience we might get when we eat organic yogurt.

The agape love of his Father that Jesus demonstrated to the world two millennia ago was powerful enough to begin a world movement of unparalleled influence by people committed to, above all things, love. After all, our Teacher's command on his last night with his students before laying down his life for them was, "Love each other as I have loved you."

Scriptures and history are full of people trying to put words around this love, and the most successful attempts are still stumbling efforts, but because they represent the reality of agape much more closely than the yogurt tub, here are a few that come to mind:

There's a wideness in God's mercy

I cannot find in my own

And He keeps His fire burning

To melt this heart of stone

Keeps me aching with a yearning

Keeps me glad to have been caught

In the reckless raging fury

That they call the love of God

(Rich Mullins, 1993)

–––

Love divine, all loves excelling,

joy of heaven, to earth come down;

fix in us thy humble dwelling;

all thy faithful mercies crown!

Jesus thou art all compassion,

pure, unbounded love thou art;

visit us with thy salvation;

enter every trembling heart.

(Charles Wesley, 1747)

–––

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (St. Paul in Ephesians 3:18-19, about AD 60)